The absence of her fragrance…..
It was 8 30 pm and I reached home after a good day at the office and about 10 sets of squash. I was exhausted to an inch of my life…was barely able to move … squash took every ounce of energy out of me. As soon as I reached home I straightaway went to the kitchen to check out the dinner, not to my surprise there was nothing there….. haaa… I thought to myself ,”Rohit, happy dining …$%#@@$”… and went to take a shower. After the bath I thought of going out for the dinner as I was too hungry….just then my roommate arrived….he asked me lets get beer and some chicken from the ‘finger lickin’ KFC…. From my stare he could very easily make out that I was not amused with his ideas as I was already starving and he knew that I never drank.
My phone rang….and it was her…. Even before I picked up her call I had a smile on my face…… it was her only call for the past three months….her name flashing on my mobile screen was enough of a reason for me to giggle alone. Hi …… kaisi ho??…. she replied ,”I’m fine how r u….” before I could answer, she went ahead and gave me the news that she has switched jobs…. I was happy for her but somewhat confused too… I inquired what actually she wants to achieve….3rd job in her third year itself and as if this was not enough…. Every time in a different sector… infrastructure engg…then electronics engg followed by software engg…. I was hardly able to find a logic behind this decision, but instead of arguing with her I ended up congratulating her…. CONGRATS on your new job…
For some kind of strange reasons I was happy …. Really happy ….that my girlfriend has got a new job…..did I say ‘My GIRLFRIEND’ …sorry my EX-GF…. Yes it’s true that we broke up about an year and half ago. There is something very cool about this LOOOOVEEE thing that if you have been seriously involved with someone you will feel happy in your love’s happiness and the same was the case with me…. No matter how much pain she gave me when she decided for both of us that it was time for us to end this relationship, which had become a victim of the evaporating love between us, I was still very happy for her……chalo enough of this serious mind talks….
I asked her about many things: new office, new colleagues, new crushes…..for some of which she replied , for some not…..and for some gave me a dicey kind of answer. I don’t know why but to this very day every time I talk to her, I see her pic or I just even think of her….. I have this weird sinking kind of feeling right in the middle of my chest….(as I am feeling now thinking and writing about her….my palms begin to sweat….heeeeeee….ekdum senti kar diya na). On that day too this feeling got the better of me and I could not prevent myself from getting dragged into serious talks. And there it goes….. Mr. RONDU…..why did you leave me….why this why that…..come back to me and blah blah….
I went outside to the terrace so that my roommate could not overhear what all I was speaking to her…..as it would have left me in a very awkward position…….of course I had not yet disclosed to him of the fact that we have parted ways…..in fact this fact was buried right at the bottom of my heart….as I didn’t disclose it to anyone….i just didn’t … I guess was afraid of the questions that came with each n every breakup….who initiated…..why not give a second chance….some console…some pity….and some even are happy behind your back that you are now par with them at their level of singleness. I feel its better to have a fake pretentious smile on your face rather than battling those questions everyday. These faking habits of mine have made me realize that,” Every smiling face is not always smiling”.
Suddenly out of nowhere I asked her, to what I consider one of my biggest mistakes to this date, “Are you SATISFIED with your decision??” I was praying to God,” Please God please make her say NO….” par bhagwan ne kaunsi aaj tak meri koi baat suni hai jo aaj sunta……and she replied….YESSSSSSS. In these 25 years of my life this was the ‘yes’ which hit me the hardest and to an extent broke me. Within no time I realized my vision blurring and moistness filled my eyes. For me at that very moment, the sweetest thing in the world would have even tasted bitter in comparison to that YES. I tried very hard to locate that red button on the phone and the very second I found it ….. I disconnected the call.
I too had dreams…..dreams of marrying her…..dreams of me spending the rest of my life with her…..dreams of having a kid with her eyes on him. DREAMS….. DREAMS…. DREAMS….. I guess they are called so because they are actually so distant from the fact….reality. I had made this beautiful mansion in my dreams in which each n every brick that was laid was handpicked by me…..even the tiniest of things was drenched in my LOVE FOR HER….. some times when I spoke to myself I only thought of things like: when I’ll return from office, there will be she standing right in front of me, waiting for me….with the same amount of love in her eyes that I carry for her in every cell….in every nucleus of mine. That would have been the most relaxing of all the things. On any Sunday, we both sitting in our home theatre and enjoying a beautiful romantic movie….with every romantic scene passing, us …..getting closer n closer…..to the extent that who cares what was on the screen. Sleeping right next to her……lying down there in her presence …..in HER FRAGRANCE, just holding her tight in my arms.
I guess what I miss most of her is not her…….not her smile …..not her eyes…..not her sweet voice …. BUT HER FRAGRANCE. Her fragrance was what made me feel alive and the ABSENCE OF HER FRAGRANCE makes it the other way round.
For all those who have been in love,
For all those who are in love,
For all those who will marry their love,
For all those who miss some one in their life,
For all those who have that someone in their life,
For all those who simply love to love…..
Its not a GOODBYE
but it’s a GOOD BYE……..aur han all the characters above are imaginary….;-)
MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL