18

SOMEBODY that I USED to know…

Somebody That I used to know…

Everything was perfect…I was there with her…on a weekend…on the Sunday morning. I took her out to a movie…which I promised her that I’ll watch only with her. We had a great lunch at our favourite ‘Sukh Sagar’ in Bangalore. We always placed the same order…as somehow we worked that it was the best combination that the restaurant offered. It was my most loved thing…to take her out to eat. As most of the girls today hardly eat…I took it as a duty…as my responsibility…that every time we will be together…she would eat nicely…at least to my satisfaction. After the meal…we sauntered here and there…from malls…to lake, from Majestic to Marathalli. Some stray clouds lost their way and ended up in Bangalore…making the evening a pleasant one. On my sister’s request we landed up at her place. She took it on herself to prepare the dinner for both of us. It was an awesome feast.

It was around 2 am that we decided to take a nap…and my sister gave a mat to Suhan and me as it was a small rented place that she lived in with only 2 rooms. It was the first time that in spite of her being there with me…I could not sleep…the whole night. Even if my eyes gave way…the uneasiness in my heart never left me…never allowed me to doze off. I looked at her…she was in a deep sleep…my arm was her pillow that night. The sight was so peaceful and soothing with the dim moon light through the window…embracing her beauty. If you are in love…it’s the best sight…watching your love sleeping right next to you…feeling secure in your arms.

I moved very close to her…so close that I was breathing in her breathe. I slowly started kissing her modestly all over her face…very small and minute ones…so that I don’t wake her up. Then I went to her cheeks…started blinking my eyes…so that my eyelashes were the only thing touching her cheeks. It was one of the most awe-inspiring feelings…it brought a little smile to her face…she knew that only I did this to her…to make her feel better…to make her feel wonderful…to make her feel loved ( for everyone out there in love…do try this…it’s my unique way to say…I love u). For a moment I even forgot the anonymous uneasiness that was disquieting me.

The weekend got over and it was Monday, August 3rd 2009 and it was time for me to leave for Mysore from Bangalore. I had to catch the early bus to Mysore otherwise I would have been late for that day’s work. I was busy tying the laces in a hurry…when…suddenly…I realized…droplets on my shoe. To my surprise…it was nothing else but my own tears. I could not believe myself…there was a smile on my face and tears in my eyes at the same time. She was standing across the room by the window. I looked at her through my tears…but to my shock…this time…for the very first time…she didn’t care to wipe them off. Everything that was circulating in my mind and body…from the night…started converging towards a centre…finally. I began to realize…began to understand…that this was all God’s plan…He was trying to make me understand throughout the night…that the one whom I am watching in a peaceful sleep…was about to snatch away my PEACE forever.

My heart began to sink…I gathered all what was left in me and walked towards her. She shattered me by saying, “Shammi…I am moving to Pune…and I guess this is the last time that we are meeting”. Every cell in my body cried out…every spore screamed… ‘why Suhan why!!!’. What did I do to deserve this? If loving and caring for someone insanely was a crime…then I was a criminal. I always told her, “the day you find someone better than me…you can go ahead and leave me”. I don’t know whether she found someone else or not…but yeah she did leave me. From that very day onwards…I m leading a fake life…to the extent…that today I don’t recognize which one of my emotion is real or fake. Every time I confront with the wind…a burning sensation lights me up…as if someone has put me on fire. There are days…when I sit n think n become silent…to the point that I want my head to blast into pieces. I feel as if I am beginning to lose myself and will end up in a mental asylum one day. And then there are those nights…on which…my wet pillow quietly informs me that I washed away the whole night with my tears. There are moments when I feel like…I should go to her and slap her for what she made of me and my life…but the very next moment I realize that I am in so much love with that soul that I even can’t imagine shouting at her. Without you…even the oxygen begins to suffocate me. Everything that is a PAIN today…was the only reason for my HAPPINESS once.

Someday I’ll go out in the open… ask the vultures…to come…and bite me…eat my flesh…bite by bite…instigate pain…just to get rid of THAT pain. One of my friends asked, “Is she still with you”…to which I always reply…yeah still with me…in me…as my soul. People say move on…forget her…to which I have one reply…I have moved on..it’s just that I can’t forget the only reason for my existence. It’s more like…whatever you say…the frequencies or the words always remain in the atmosphere…My love for her is more like that…It will remain…FOREVER. If ever I try to forget her…I find it difficult to LIVE…to BREATHE.

Every day I get up…the first thing I do…is to remember you. Every day when I go to bed…I think of you. Every time I eat…my first bite is for you. Every time I worship…I pray for you. Every time I read…I read your lines. Every time I hear…I want to hear you voice. Every time I smell…I want it to be your fragrance. Every time I close my eyes…I see you. Every time I see myself… I think I am alive…just for you. And if that’s not enough…every time I breathe…I just breathe for you…

Please relieve me of this pain and if not…then free me of this human life.

It’s now that when I want to take my heart back…I realize that it’s dissolved in you.

Chalo then nikalata hu….time to go out in the wind and see how much it burns today…

No GOODBYES today…It’s a SAD PAINFUL END…but still…

For all those who are in PAIN,

For all those who love someone like insane,

For all those who can’t let go,

For all those who will Love them FOREVER,

And

For all those who will die with their LOVE…

It’s not a GOODBYE…

But it’s a GOOD BYE…aur han no questions please…

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL

17

The Absence of her FRAGRANCE

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The absence of her fragrance…..

It was 8 30 pm and I reached home after a good day at the office and about 10 sets of squash. I was exhausted to an inch of my life…was barely able to move … squash took every ounce of energy out of me. As soon as I reached home I straightaway went to the kitchen to check out the dinner, not to my surprise there was nothing there….. haaa… I thought to myself ,”Rohit, happy dining …$%#@@$”… and went to take a shower. After the bath I thought of going out for the dinner as I was too hungry….just then my roommate arrived….he asked me lets get beer and some chicken from the ‘finger lickin’ KFC…. From my stare he could very easily make out that I was not amused with his ideas as I was already starving and he knew that I never drank.

My phone rang….and it was her…. Even before I picked up her call I had a smile on my face…… it was her only call for the past three months….her name flashing on my mobile screen was enough of a reason for me to giggle alone. Hi …… kaisi ho??…. she replied ,”I’m fine how r u….” before I could answer, she went ahead and gave me the news that she has switched jobs…. I was happy for her but somewhat confused too… I inquired what actually she wants to achieve….3rd job in her third year itself and as if this was not enough…. Every time in a different sector… infrastructure engg…then electronics engg followed by software engg…. I was hardly able to find a logic behind this decision, but instead of arguing with her I ended up congratulating her…. CONGRATS on your new job…

For some kind of strange reasons I was happy …. Really happy ….that my girlfriend has got a new job…..did I say ‘My GIRLFRIEND’ …sorry my EX-GF…. Yes it’s true that we broke up about an year and half ago. There is something very cool about this LOOOOVEEE thing that if you have been seriously involved with someone you will feel happy in your love’s happiness and the same was the case with me…. No matter how much pain she gave me when she decided for both of us that it was time for us to end this relationship, which had become a victim of the evaporating love between us, I was still very happy for her……chalo enough of this serious mind talks….

I asked her about many things: new office, new colleagues, new crushes…..for some of which she replied , for some not…..and for some gave me a dicey kind of answer. I don’t know why but to this very day every time I talk to her, I see her pic or I just even think of her….. I have this weird sinking kind of feeling right in the middle of my chest….(as I am feeling now thinking and writing about her….my palms begin to sweat….heeeeeee….ekdum senti kar diya na). On that day too this feeling got the better of me and I could not prevent myself from getting dragged into serious talks. And there it goes….. Mr. RONDU…..why did you leave me….why this why that…..come back to me and blah blah….

I went outside to the terrace so that my roommate could not overhear what all I was speaking to her…..as it would have left me in a very awkward position…….of course I had not yet disclosed to him of the fact that we have parted ways…..in fact this fact was buried right at the bottom of my heart….as I didn’t disclose it to anyone….i just didn’t … I guess was afraid of the questions that came with each n every breakup….who initiated…..why not give a second chance….some console…some pity….and some even are happy behind your back that you are now par with them at their level of singleness. I feel its better to have a fake pretentious smile on your face rather than battling those questions everyday. These faking habits of mine have made me realize that,” Every smiling face is not always smiling”.

Suddenly out of nowhere I asked her, to what I consider one of my biggest mistakes to this date, “Are you SATISFIED with your decision??” I was praying to God,” Please God please make her say NO….” par bhagwan ne kaunsi aaj tak meri koi baat suni hai jo aaj sunta……and she replied….YESSSSSSS. In these 25 years of my life this was the ‘yes’ which hit me the hardest and to an extent broke me. Within no time I realized my vision blurring and moistness filled my eyes. For me at that very moment, the sweetest thing in the world would have even tasted bitter in comparison to that YES. I tried very hard to locate that red button on the phone and the very second I found it ….. I disconnected the call.

I too had dreams…..dreams of marrying her…..dreams of me spending the rest of my life with her…..dreams of having a kid with her eyes on him. DREAMS….. DREAMS…. DREAMS….. I guess they are called so because they are actually so distant from the fact….reality. I had made this beautiful mansion in my dreams in which each n every brick that was laid was handpicked by me…..even the tiniest of things was drenched in my LOVE FOR HER….. some times when I spoke to myself I only thought of things like: when I’ll return from office, there will be she standing right in front of me,  waiting for me….with the same amount of love in her eyes that I carry for her in every cell….in every nucleus of mine. That would have been the most relaxing of all the things. On any Sunday, we both sitting in our home theatre and enjoying a beautiful romantic movie….with every romantic scene passing, us …..getting closer n closer…..to the extent that who cares what was on the screen. Sleeping right next to her……lying down there in her presence …..in HER FRAGRANCE, just holding her tight in my arms.

I guess what I miss most of her is not her…….not her smile …..not her eyes…..not her sweet voice …. BUT HER FRAGRANCE. Her fragrance was what made me feel alive and the ABSENCE OF HER FRAGRANCE makes it the other way round.

For all those who have been in love,

For all those who are in love,

For all those who will marry their love,

For all those who miss some one in their life,

For all those who have that someone in their life,

And

For all those who simply love to love…..

Its not a GOODBYE

but it’s a GOOD BYE……..aur han all the characters above are imaginary….;-)

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL