12

Surprise…Surprise…Surprise…

Surprise…Surprise…Surprise…

“You know tomorrow is my first presentation ever”, she said nervously to me. Her voice was shaking and none of her friends were able to infuse enough confidence in her to make the presentation work. She rehearsed…rehearsed…and rehearsed…to the point that she began to forget everything… at least she felt so. It was left upon me to get that confidence back going for her. I reminded her, “Believe in yourself and think of how good you are and what an awesome presentation you are going to deliver tomorrow”. I knew that my words have a calming effect on her, but this time it was not going to last.

I decided it was time for me to make her feel that I am always there for her and I just don’t simply say that ‘I will be there for the smallest of things’. I immediately called her back and broke her heart (for that moment) that I have a company visiting my campus tomorrow and I will have to switch off my phone through the entire duration of the seminar and there might be a possibility where I would not be able to give her a call before the presentation. I checked the tickets and asked my ever so sweet sister to get the tickets done for me (don’t forget me being a student these days was unable to afford the price just a day before 😉 ). She managed to get one booked for me.

The next day I had an early flight to catch and she was still sleeping. So the best I could do was to text her, “All the best for your presentation sone, make me proud, phod phad macha dena, I am going for the seminar muah muah muah forehead”. I landed by 10:30 a.m. and her presentation was supposed to begin by noon. I gave a call to her best friend and told her about my plan to surprise her by visiting her just before the presentation and say, “All the best of Luv ‘n’ Luck to her face”. I knew that girls can’t be trusted when it comes to keeping secrets and her friend proved me right by spurting out every bit of my surprise. The news made her extremely happy as if she won a lottery. It was a complete turnaround…she was brimming with confidence…and in the process completely nailed the presentation and answered each and every question that followed.

She knew which hotel I (we) stayed in every time I visited her city as this would have been my fourth visit in the past four months. As soon as she was done with the presentation she didn’t even wait for the teacher’s response…immediately took an auto and reached the hotel. She enquired at the reception…took the spare keys in an effort to surprise me instead…and came running to my room. She was puzzled not to find me there. She tried my mobile but was switched off. She made a call to the reception but could not get any info on my whereabouts. Her face which was glowing with confidence and courage…now suddenly had an edgy and worried look to it.

There was a knock on the door…she opened…anticipating that it will be me she shouted my name. Less to her surprise and more to her shock it was police at the door. She was beginning to panic. The police informed her that a truck crushed a guy this morning and they recovered a bag from the accident site with a printout of booking of this hotel room with your name on it. She opened the bag only to find out ‘a Barbie’, ‘a box of Soan Papdi’ and ‘an envelope with confirmed booking for two days and two nights for a couple at the Marriot’.

She remembered, how, since her childhood she never craved for anything except for a Barbie, she had had many delicacies but it was the ‘Soan Papdi’ that made her taste buds go crazy and she visited many places around the globe… rested in many resorts but it was the Marriot which was the closest to her heart. It was all a part of the surprise that I had planned for my bestest buddy.

There are days when God gives you signs or omens which tell you what is going to happen and then there are days when even the Gods get confused what the omen says.

The police told, “The Guy was wearing this shirt” and handed it to her. She straight away recognized it to be my shirt as it was the same shirt in which she slept the last time I was there. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. The blood on the shirt made her scream…scream…and scream. There were flashbacks of, how every night before we went to bed, I always called her to say how much I loved…cared for her and will be there with her forever n ever n ever. She reminded herself of her decision to tell me that how much she loved me…and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She cried uncontrollably…gasping for breath…her shrieking voice made even the policemen feel her loss…her pain…her regret of not telling me just for once that SHE LOVED ME…

There was another knock at the door…one policeman opened it. To everyone’s disbelief it was me who was at the door. For a moment she thought she was seeing me just because of the sheer love for me. Without even caring for the standing policemen, who were themselves astonished, I started… Bubu…as soon as I landed…my bag was stolen…last night I wasn’t able to charge my phone’s battery…hence it died…but what’s this…why is police here and above all why are you crying guddu????

She stood up…ran towards me…grabbed me by the collar…started slapping me…kissing my face all over…saying I Love You…I Love You…I Love You.

For all those who believe in surprises,

For all those who like surprises,

For all those who like giving surprises,

For all those who like getting surprised,

And

For all those who will go to any extent to say that ‘All the Best’

It’s not a Goodbye…

But it’s a GOOD BYE…aur han go out there and give surprises…your loved ones actually love it and a HAPPY DIWALI to all of You…enjoyyyyyyyy.

Manas “Sameer” Mukul

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7

KOI MUJHSE PUCHE…

KOI MUJHSE PUCHE…

wo pata hai bahut hi bahut hi khubsurat hai…
kash koi meri ankhon se puche

wo kitna maasum hai…wo kitna sacha hai…kitna seedha hai…
kash koi mere dil se puche

wo mujhe kitna samjhata hai….wo mere sath hardam hai…
kash koi meri dosti se puche

uski jalan me jo pyar hai….jo wo sabse chupa k rakhta hai….
kash koi mere mann se puche

uski ankhon me jo umeed hai…uske hothon pe jo haya hai…
kash koi meri ankhon se puche

uske hath me jo mamta hai…uske seene me jo apnapan hai…
kash koi meri atma se puche

uske chehre me jo kashish hai…uske hathon me jo tapish hai…
kash koi meri rooh se puche

uski baton me jo bachpana hai…uski hansi me jo shararat hai…
kash koi meri khushi se puche

uske jhooth me jo sach hai….uski har ek naa me jo han hai…
kash koi mere zehen se puche

uski hansi me jo mere jeevan ki khushiyan hai…uski baton me jo meri sansein hai…
kash koi meri dhadkan se puche

uski maang me jo mera sapna hai…uski mehendi me jo apna hai…
kash koi mere jeevan se puche

uski sanson me jo thandhak hai….uske ansuon me jo namak hai…
kash koi meri sanson se puche

uske khoon me jo mere kann hai…uski uljhano me jo meri bechaini hai…
kash koi meri bebasi se puche

uske chehre pe jo masumiyat hai…uski mehek me jo kasak hai…
kash koi meri hansi se puche

uski nazdiki me jo duri hai….uski duri me jo nazdiki hai…
kash koi mere ansuon se puche

uski god me kitna sukun hai…uski mehek me kitna chain hai…
kash koi meri neend se puche

uske mathen ki rekhaon me jo mera kal hai…uski achayi me jo mera aaj hai…
kash koi meri burayi se puche

uske hathon me jo meri lakeerein hai….uski ragon jo mera khoon hai…
kash koi mere akelepan se puche

uske pairon me jo meri kismat hai….uski ek han me jo mere jeevan ka maksad hai…
kash koi meri ankhon se girte in ansuon se puche

uski ek naa me mere jeevan ka ant hai….uske ruth jane me jo meri maut hai…
kash koi meri ragon me behte uske nam k khoon se puche

uske hath me jo gulab hai…uska khat jo mere hath me hai…
kash koi meri laash se puche

uske ek akhiri bar mujhe chune me jo mera MOKSHA hai…KASH KOI MUJHSE PUCHE

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL

8

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota…

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota…

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To aap tak aake…apke sath chal pata,
Chahe ap kisi ke bhi sath hote…hamesha apka sath nibha pata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To apke labon ko chukar…bina bataye…apko chum ke chala jata,
Sindur na hoke bhi…apke mathe pe chamak pata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To apke aansuon me milkar…unhe pi leta,
apke rom-rom ko mehsus kar…apki rooh tak pahunch pata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To apki khushbuon ko sari umar ke liye apne sath le jata,
Apke mathe ki shikan ko mita kar…apka sukun ban jata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To us khubsurat chehre pe koshish karke…ek muskurahat la pata,
Apke itne kareeb aa jata…ki hume Khuda bhi chah ke juda na kar pata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To khud mit kar bhi…apke zariye jee pata,
Apke dard ko apne ander kahi sama leta.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To chah ke bhi kabhi apne aansun na dikha pata,
Aur kabhi khud mitna chahta to…apke hi ander kahi sama jata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To apki chai…apke pakode ka kaaran ban pata,
Sondhi si khushboo ban kar apki thakaan ko mita deta.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To dur reh kar bhi…apko hamesha dekh pata,
Apki palkon pe aakar, apki ankhon me khud ka aks dekh pata.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To apki jhulfon me ulajh kar…apki mehek ban pata,
Aur jab thak jata to apko bina bataye hi mar jata
aur ap chah ke bhi mujhe kabhi dhoondh na pate.

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota,
To sirf apko chune ki umeed me sari umar bita deta,
kam se kam apke nazdeek to aa sakta…apke hathon ko to chhu sakta…aur khamoshi se…apka sparsh leke zameen me kahi kho jata.
Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota…
To apke pas khud aakar…in shabdon ko suna pata…

Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota…
Kaash main wo baarish ki Boond hota…

Manas “Sameer” Mukul

18

SOMEBODY that I USED to know…

Somebody That I used to know…

Everything was perfect…I was there with her…on a weekend…on the Sunday morning. I took her out to a movie…which I promised her that I’ll watch only with her. We had a great lunch at our favourite ‘Sukh Sagar’ in Bangalore. We always placed the same order…as somehow we worked that it was the best combination that the restaurant offered. It was my most loved thing…to take her out to eat. As most of the girls today hardly eat…I took it as a duty…as my responsibility…that every time we will be together…she would eat nicely…at least to my satisfaction. After the meal…we sauntered here and there…from malls…to lake, from Majestic to Marathalli. Some stray clouds lost their way and ended up in Bangalore…making the evening a pleasant one. On my sister’s request we landed up at her place. She took it on herself to prepare the dinner for both of us. It was an awesome feast.

It was around 2 am that we decided to take a nap…and my sister gave a mat to Suhan and me as it was a small rented place that she lived in with only 2 rooms. It was the first time that in spite of her being there with me…I could not sleep…the whole night. Even if my eyes gave way…the uneasiness in my heart never left me…never allowed me to doze off. I looked at her…she was in a deep sleep…my arm was her pillow that night. The sight was so peaceful and soothing with the dim moon light through the window…embracing her beauty. If you are in love…it’s the best sight…watching your love sleeping right next to you…feeling secure in your arms.

I moved very close to her…so close that I was breathing in her breathe. I slowly started kissing her modestly all over her face…very small and minute ones…so that I don’t wake her up. Then I went to her cheeks…started blinking my eyes…so that my eyelashes were the only thing touching her cheeks. It was one of the most awe-inspiring feelings…it brought a little smile to her face…she knew that only I did this to her…to make her feel better…to make her feel wonderful…to make her feel loved ( for everyone out there in love…do try this…it’s my unique way to say…I love u). For a moment I even forgot the anonymous uneasiness that was disquieting me.

The weekend got over and it was Monday, August 3rd 2009 and it was time for me to leave for Mysore from Bangalore. I had to catch the early bus to Mysore otherwise I would have been late for that day’s work. I was busy tying the laces in a hurry…when…suddenly…I realized…droplets on my shoe. To my surprise…it was nothing else but my own tears. I could not believe myself…there was a smile on my face and tears in my eyes at the same time. She was standing across the room by the window. I looked at her through my tears…but to my shock…this time…for the very first time…she didn’t care to wipe them off. Everything that was circulating in my mind and body…from the night…started converging towards a centre…finally. I began to realize…began to understand…that this was all God’s plan…He was trying to make me understand throughout the night…that the one whom I am watching in a peaceful sleep…was about to snatch away my PEACE forever.

My heart began to sink…I gathered all what was left in me and walked towards her. She shattered me by saying, “Shammi…I am moving to Pune…and I guess this is the last time that we are meeting”. Every cell in my body cried out…every spore screamed… ‘why Suhan why!!!’. What did I do to deserve this? If loving and caring for someone insanely was a crime…then I was a criminal. I always told her, “the day you find someone better than me…you can go ahead and leave me”. I don’t know whether she found someone else or not…but yeah she did leave me. From that very day onwards…I m leading a fake life…to the extent…that today I don’t recognize which one of my emotion is real or fake. Every time I confront with the wind…a burning sensation lights me up…as if someone has put me on fire. There are days…when I sit n think n become silent…to the point that I want my head to blast into pieces. I feel as if I am beginning to lose myself and will end up in a mental asylum one day. And then there are those nights…on which…my wet pillow quietly informs me that I washed away the whole night with my tears. There are moments when I feel like…I should go to her and slap her for what she made of me and my life…but the very next moment I realize that I am in so much love with that soul that I even can’t imagine shouting at her. Without you…even the oxygen begins to suffocate me. Everything that is a PAIN today…was the only reason for my HAPPINESS once.

Someday I’ll go out in the open… ask the vultures…to come…and bite me…eat my flesh…bite by bite…instigate pain…just to get rid of THAT pain. One of my friends asked, “Is she still with you”…to which I always reply…yeah still with me…in me…as my soul. People say move on…forget her…to which I have one reply…I have moved on..it’s just that I can’t forget the only reason for my existence. It’s more like…whatever you say…the frequencies or the words always remain in the atmosphere…My love for her is more like that…It will remain…FOREVER. If ever I try to forget her…I find it difficult to LIVE…to BREATHE.

Every day I get up…the first thing I do…is to remember you. Every day when I go to bed…I think of you. Every time I eat…my first bite is for you. Every time I worship…I pray for you. Every time I read…I read your lines. Every time I hear…I want to hear you voice. Every time I smell…I want it to be your fragrance. Every time I close my eyes…I see you. Every time I see myself… I think I am alive…just for you. And if that’s not enough…every time I breathe…I just breathe for you…

Please relieve me of this pain and if not…then free me of this human life.

It’s now that when I want to take my heart back…I realize that it’s dissolved in you.

Chalo then nikalata hu….time to go out in the wind and see how much it burns today…

No GOODBYES today…It’s a SAD PAINFUL END…but still…

For all those who are in PAIN,

For all those who love someone like insane,

For all those who can’t let go,

For all those who will Love them FOREVER,

And

For all those who will die with their LOVE…

It’s not a GOODBYE…

But it’s a GOOD BYE…aur han no questions please…

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL

12

CSAAM April 2011 – The BLEMISHED Buds…

The BLEMISHED Buds…

I was Strolling down the market…suddenly saw her. As soon as she spotted me in the crowd, she shouted out my name. She crossed the road and came to me. She was my friend and like friends do we did share secrets. The weather was gloomy with a depressive kind of touch to it. I told her…lets walk to the hostel as it was getting late. I could feel that there was a sense of restlessness in her that day. I enquired but she refused to say anything. It started raining. We started walking fast…but suddenly I realised she was holding my hand in a firm grip…an unusual one. I looked at her…but initially I was not able to realize and I asked her…what happened??? Her voice began to crack and I saw tears in her eyes in spite of the rain. She said,” I want to tell you something…I want to get the heaviness off my chest…I have been suffering from a long time and now I cannot take it anymore.” If anyone knows me…knows that I (Me) can never see tears in anyone’s eyes…and decided to listen to my friend’s grief.

She began, and what she told me blew me off completely. I have heard and read about child molestation before as well but it shook me to the core to know how she was molested and crushed since her childhood by her own uncle. She said that “when she was very young about 12-13, her uncle (father’s elder brother) along with his family visited them for a ceremony. She got dressed for the event…he saw her…complimented her…told her that she was looking like a princess…like Cinderella. As a normal kid of that age would do…she became very happy. He told her that he has got a special gift for her and for that she will have to come with him. He took her to the first floor…everyone was busy with each other in the backyard where the main gathering was. He closed the door of the room and raped that child’s innocence”. This enraged me…her hands started to tremble…I wasn’t able to believe to what I was actually listening. She told me that her uncle, the monster committed this HEINOUS act on six different occasions. Recalling all this and just writing about it is killing me… just picture what it would have done to her since that day on…and will continue to eat her up till the end of her life. Even if she tells anyone…even if they manage to punish that hideous swine…but no one on earth will be able to erase the scars it would have left…on her mind…on her body…and on her soul. She told me, “today he came and spoke to her dad about getting her shifted to his city for further education and her dad agreed.” She is shattered now and can’t even tell her dad what the reason for her denial is.

I was astonished at the way a girl, a child is bound by the norms of society, how she cannot confront anyone for her rights, her existence, and her lost innocence. There is nothing new to whatsoever I have mentioned till now. Finally after consoling her, When I went back to my room…I read a lot similar incidences and one of which made me feel disgusted to the extent of hating the human race altogether.

A small family…parents with one girl child…father unemployed…was left upon the mother to take care of the family…to feed them. She used to go to work daily while the father was responsible for taking care of the girl during the day. After some time the mother noticed that the child was always keeping quite. She hardly heard her voice. Seeing all this, the mother got very disturbed and decided to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist understood the whole situation…she gave the girl two dolls and asked her to show to her what her father did with her when her mother was not around. The mother got shocked at the question itself. She was in a state of disbelief to what her daughter showed. She very well knew that her daughter is too small to understand and make up, what kind of acts the child is depicting with the help of dolls. Astonished…shattered…devastated she took her traumatized child in her arms…embraced her tightly…n kept crying forever. Later on, she divorced and filed a case against that inhumane…psycho of man she was married to.

We live in a society where we know, gruesome acts like this take place but often we tend to do nothing about it. In many situations, the mother has the knowledge of what a father is doing to her child but she keeps quite…just for the sake of it…for the name of the family. Many such childhoods have been crushed…have been abused to quench the sexual thirst of demons.

In about 75% of the cases it is someone very close to the child…to the family who commits a disgraceful act like rape, molestation or sexual exploitation. We cannot completely stop this…but at least we can make an attempt to prevent such things from happening. For example, if someone acts overtly friendly with you or your child…it is the first sign to get cautioned. These days because of many factors, the kids are reaching puberty way too early than before and this is where the role of parents becomes more crucial. It is the parent’s responsibility to realize when a brother and sister should stop sleeping in the same room (think about it). I am not saying anyone or everyone is like this but just remember it is your child’s whole life which is at stake. Remember that old saying, “Bache to bhagwan ka roop hote hai” (kids are like God). It’s because they are as pure as the Ganges…as innocent as the God can be. Once you sexually abuse a Child…it is like perpetrating the same with GOD.

Children are like those young n lively buds…which once blemished…will never blossom again.

For all those who love kids,

For all those who hate such crimes,

For all those who are against such acts,

For all those who will prevent such things from happening,

And

For all those who think a child is like a God

It’s not a Goodbye…
But it’s a GOOD BYE…aur han create and spread awareness against child sexual abuse so that no more Bud is Blemished ever again.

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL

21

The SHORTEST story of my life…

The SHORTEST story of my life…

Bzzzzzzzzz…bzzzzzzzzzz… the phone rattled on the side table… bbzzzzzzz… bbbzzzzz. From the corner of my eye I checked the time. It was still 2 am. I turned my face the other way and again went back into my dream. The vibration never stopped. Irritated, I got up and checked who the devil was….who was not letting me enjoy my dream. ‘Ghonchu’ calling was flashing on the screen. The name itself was more than enough to make all the irritation and anger evaporate.

She was breathing heavily, and even before she could utter a word I was able to make out that she had been weeping for a long time. I was taken aback because of her shrieking and cracking voice. I knew something was terribly wrong and immediately sprang to my feet. I made all efforts to calm her down but to no avail. I knew her habit of never listening to me and so I went ahead and asked,” why are you crying… what happened!!!!”? There are surprise gifts as well as emergencies but her reply was neither of the two. In fact she never gave a reply…instead she came up with a question of her own, to which I don’t have an answer even to this date. Will you marry me??? … was her SIMPLE question and if this was not enough she gave me only an hour to come up with my reply, which would have been my biggest decision, answer or whatever you may call it, till now.

I immediately disconnected the phone and washed my face. I was in no position to believe that everything that was happening was happening for real. One of your bestest (I know it’s wrong English) friend…calling you up at 2 am and asking you to marry her or I should say asking you whether you’ll marry her and not even giving me time to discuss it with my mother and family( in India usually everyone is fast asleep at 2 am). I composed myself and cleared off all the thoughts and called her back. “Sali….kamini… Ye kya majak tha”? (This was our way of greeting each other on NORMAL days … and nights too). She was still weeping and was barely able to speak. She whispered,” Chabu! You heard it right…I just want to know whether you can marry me or not and I want the answer right now because by morning it will be very late”. “I have told my parents that I am in love with a guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him”, she continued. “Papa has ordered me to leave the home immediately or marry according to their wishes and forget you forever”, she added.

With a grin I simply uttered,” Meri jalpari! Tumhe kisi ko batane ka nahi hota hai ki tum usse pyar karti ho aur ussi se shadi karna chahti ho….maa baap ko batane se pehle (I hope now you can make out why I named her ghonchu 🙂 ). I requested her to give me time till 6 am, at least by then mummy would be awake and I’ll be able to have a discussion with her.

I never knew those three hours would be the most difficult three hours of my life because more than me it was someone else’s life which was at stake too. I thought and thought, remembered each and every moment spent with her. Flashbacked every scene….recalling every word I ever said to her. For me her smile is as fresh as the morning dew….she is as bubbly as the newly opened coke….with a heart as soft as a feather and eyes as deep as the ocean….wait a minute….am I comparing her….sorry folks….my mistake. I forgot to mention she is incomparable. Her charm, her sweetness, her caring attitude ….even if I take out a dictionary, there will be fewer adjectives than her virtues. I remembered how she celebrated with me on every success that I had…even the tiniest ones, how she took care of me when I met with an accident and broke my left hand, nose and skull bone….from washing my dirty hands to helping me with my socks’…from writing my assignments to spoon feeding me food…and there won’t be any end to this list.

I never realised when I allowed her to come so close to my already wounded heart. She waited and waited but I could not muster the courage to call her and when I actually did….she already knew the answer. I am sorry ghonchu, is what I can ever say. But I know your pain is unexplainable. I never stood with you, held your hand and said that you are mine but let me assure you one more time… I never backstabbed you; I never wanted to hurt you 😦 .

The irony of my life: “Jisse chaha usne kabhi pyar na kiya, Aur jisne pyar diya usse kabhi chah na saka”.

There are people in your life who are your parents, relatives, brothers, sisters, best friends and so on and then there are those people who are equally important and somehow you find it hard to give a name to the relation or the bond you share and SHE is one of them.

And if there is something as rebirth I’ll surely be yours.

For all those who have been hurt in love,

For all those who know they’ll never get them,

For all those who still love them,

For all those who still hope they will come back,

And

For all those who have a Ghonchu in their life,

It’s not a goodbye,

But it’s a Good Bye….aur han she wanted this title because she believed she was the shortest story of my life.

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL

8

The Last STEP…

The Last STEP…

Ting tong …. Ting tong….it was the doorbell, my sister who was busy uploading photographs on facebook from her friend’s birthday party last night shouted out ,”mummy, can you check who’s there at the door?” “Han Han beta, main to tumhare baap ki naukar hoon na!!” was mom’s reply….as she was busy preparing dinner. Ting tong…..Ting tong….Now, my sister was getting on my mom’s nerves….she knew that mom gets irritated very easily and I don’t know why but she always did this for fun.

Mom washed her hands off in a hurry. She came to the living room where Nidhi (my sister) had already begun the process of tagging her friends in the pics she had just uploaded. Mom had an angry look on her face and Nidhi……..as usual had a smile to tease her a bit. Mom glanced at the wall clock…it was 6 o’clock in the evening. She murmured to herself ,’who that might be’…but my ever-so-active sister heard her….and said ,”Dekho Geeta aunty to nahi aa gayi fir se tumhe kisi kirtan pe invite karne”. Geeta aunty is our neighbor, who always had one or two reason to borrow our mom from us…. Mom was furious now……..but….Ting tong.

It was indeed Geeta aunty at the door but this time, to my mom’s surprise, with a worrying look on her face……tears started rolling down her cheeks…..my mom’s expressions changed from irritated to worried…..a bit more tense. She held my mom’s hand and took her out of the apartment. They reached the ground floor…..and ….what mom saw made her scream ……scream…..scream…..and she fainted.

Two weeks ago…..

I was very eagerly waiting for my MBA results. It was supposed to be announced today by 5 pm. I was nervous to the point that it seemed the clock has stopped……I looked for the 50th time at the clock in the past 30 mins…… and was really getting tired of refreshing the result page. It was down because of overload. I was dying to see my results as I had given everything this time around ….. my career, time, money….everything…..i had resigned from my job a month back….and had no other options left to do. It was my last hope…

Suddenly the green lines on the progress bar started increasing……I closed my eyes…prayed …..and …..it was only 75 percentile……yes it was only 75 percentile….i could not believe it…..the amount of effort , the way my exam went …. I was pretty sure to score above 95 percentile and get admission to a decent college….but destiny , fate ,  god  whatever you may call it……had another plans. I was devastated and completely broke.

The present …..but a few minutes ago….

Climbing the stairs to my roof ……I thought to myself …. What next to do Mr. Overconfident……..Mr Ass****…..you put everything on the line …everything. I sat on the water tank of our apartment…..the view from there was truly mesmerizing. The sun setting in the background…small kids playing in the lawns… ladies gossiping … Men returning from work.

But there was something unique that day… the scene was too perfect as if I was watching a movie. I was suddenly noticing every minute detail that was there to be seen. The whole scenery made me forget what I was thinking… yes yes … I remember…what next…this was the only thing that overburdened my mind for the past two weeks… My life had suddenly become blank… i had nowhere to go…

Slowly and slowly I began to realize that I am nothing but 25 years of failures n failures… I was a COMPLETE LOSER… I realized that how I had never made my parents proud of myself… one or two consolations prizes here n there… thats it… i lost my only love last year… my parents were divorced… and I could not do anything about it. The only thing … the only hope that kept my mom alive was … that… someday she’ll see her son standing tall and successful… but I failed her too… i had failed everyone in my life…

I sat there and saw the sun setting on my life… by now the wind had a nervous feel to it… my palms became moist… my heart sank… I stood up… went to the edge of the building… took my mom’s name… closed my eyes… saw her face and took the LAST STEP……

By the time I made contact with the ground…my whole life flashbacked. The next thing I realized was …i was lying in a pool of blood… I could see the bone of my thigh tore my muscle and skin and came out… i could not feel any of my limbs … realizing that this was my last… i took one last breathe…saw my Goddess… my mother, screaming my name…and everything blacked out…..

For all those who have been successful,

For all those who have seen failure,

For all those who have won,

For all those who have lost,

For all those who want to win,

For all those who still have hope

And

For all those who will SUCCEED….

Its not a GOODBYE,

But it’s a GOOD BYE….aur han never think of taking this step.

MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL